26/04/1905 - A-odd
pm I'm still moved by what the analyst said yesterday.
Again: What's wrong with me and questions?
"Why do not you ask?"
Since last night I have unleashed a whirlwind in the head, and do not know ... I do not know where to start.
A memory came to me often: an evening of long ago, as a child, in my room that does not light came through the window, lying on my old bed of white pine boards.
remember I was lying, but awake. I could hear my parents fighting, and I covered with a blanket.
What I recall more clearly the time was that he was lying, though the sun was still high, and havesk I do not want anyone to know I do not know. No wonder because I want the answer come to me alone. No wonder I fear asking too much and annoy. No wonder I do not want to put more pressure on the relationship. (If you're stuck, compel, if it breaks, however had to change it.)
I want everything to come to me, explained and effortless. Enlighten someone else and gray areas that arise is to my liking. And if something is not to my taste, it is resolved soon. And by itself, or any other equivalent. Afraid to ask because the answer is on the other, but is also the one that comes to me and do what I want without asking. I want to learn by seeing, living, listening, not because I sometimes wonderor many doubts and I do not know what to ask.
I all ready answers, no words in between. Read my mind, I read yours. It's too much to ask, right?
Y. .. When do you ask? Who?
What should I ask? How?
I admit that I do not like asking for help, makes me feel dependent and do not like, but ... Is not this what I want, then?
"I will not listen, I will not talk / a weightless life / I'll moonwalk ..."
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